The Myth of the Mama’s Boy

Ah yes! The age-old theory of the effete, confused and archetypal male of the society, whose close bond with his mother hampers his emotional development- this dynamic captured in the vernacular with the term “Mama’s boy”

Psychoanalytical theories such as the famous Oedipus Complex by Freud have fostered this stigma surrounding boys, following them well into adulthood, in the variations such as the “forever mama’s boy”. These boys get a bad reputation all around. Author Rhonda Finding notes “Mama’s boys are in essence, boys in men’s clothing. They’re like little toddlers wanting to be emotionally fed by their girlfriends and wives”. Another author, Dr. William July Mama’s, states “the infamous mama’s boy is a man who isn’t looking for a wife, but his mother. Mama’s boys tend to marginalize relationships with women. They’re selfish with other women because they know they can get love and attention from mama”.

Most women are deeply repelled by the idea of finding a partner in this weak and dependent mother-bonded man, whose emotional bond with his mother seems “too close” for comfort. But is this relationship deserving of all the bad reputation it gets?

The Makings of a Mama’s Boy

We find ample psychological research on mother child dependency to support some of the horror stories we find on the subject online. In family environments where the male parental figure is absent, and a son takes the role of the man in the family, the son also takes on the responsibility of the emotional well being of his mother, which in these contexts are most likely weak and overbearing figures. Households with helicopter parenting also present perfect breeding grounds for a very close parent-child relationship, where dependencies become strong and mothers are highly involved in their children’s lives. Unhappily married mothers also develop a special emotional synchrony with their sons. Here marital dysfunction is passed on to another generation as children learn from the abusive relationship their parents had. Boys are socialized in a response pattern of negative reciprocity and employ it in their adult relationships (similarly, girls suffer from parental marital distress as well as fathers transfer blame by assigning feelings of disappointment to a female child… and the legacy of marital strife continues).

The emotional dependence on boys by mothers leads to some boys later developing personality disorders such as the avoidant personality disorder or schizophrenia while other boys turn to homosexuality, and satyriasis. Most, however, only develop an internal fear of commitment which drives them to switch partners often. Those in committed relationships, responding poorly to the emotional needs of their partner and tend to feel constantly trapped or smothered.

Studies of romantic histories of young adults have found that those who avoid a committed, romantic relationship are likely a product of unresponsive or over-intrusive parenting. These avoidant individuals demonstrate other characteristics such as “anxiety about intimacy, reluctance to commit, or a belief that their partner was “clingy,” for one example. Overall, they reported less personal satisfaction in their relationships than participants who were determined to be secure in their relationships”. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease notes that these avoidant individuals are conflicted about inherent desires of intimacy due to the complicated parent-child dynamics they experienced when young.

According to author Daryl Sharp, the core of any mother complex is a collective image of nourishment and security on one hand, and devouring possessiveness on the other.

Attachment theory dictates that in times of stress, children latch onto their caregivers for emotional comfort. But in case the parent is unable to deliver this comfort, or the parent is overly interfering, the child learns to avoid their caregiver. Experts cite this theory to explain the workings of adult relationships. How an adult approaches his relationships is contingent on his past experiences. A person who approaches adulthood with his infantile needs fully met in his childhood, steps into romantic relationships with more security. Researchers label these relationships “two-adult” models, where both partners in a romantic relationship share equal desire for intimacy. The avoidant counterparts, however, operate on an “infant-mother” intimacy model. These men attempt to satisfy their unmet childhood desires in their adulthood.

According to psychologists these needs could range from wanting somebody “ to validate them, accept them as they are, can consistently meet their needs and remain calm” to having someone “to give them unconditional love, including not making a fuss about anything or getting caught up in their own personal issues”.

Is There Any Hope?

Roberto Vincenzi, a professor of psychotherapy in Genoa, explains the strong attachments of sons to their mothers “who often felt unfulfilled before career and divorce were options. Mothers thus poured her love into her children. Over time, the son became a sort of husband to his mother, without the sexual component”.

While we can see how a woman may feel triangulated into a relationship between a mother and her son, it is also important to factor in other realities. In some societies and cultures, being mother bonded is perceived as normal and even acceptable. In addition to this, due to the high cost of living in some parts of the world, some unmarried men opt to reside with their parents and share their burdens, both emotional and financial.

We also need to account for how no other parent child relationship is scrutinized more in our society than the notorious mother-son relationship. This parent-child relationship is so stigmatized that mothers are sometimes forced to distance themselves from their sons to avoid the social stigma.  A father’s constant support is considered crucial to their child’s self-esteem and ambitions, but the double standard puts the mother’s “smothering” behavior at fault. We never hear of an involved father running the risk of “masculinizing” his daughter, but there is great concern over the doting mother “feminizing” the son.

A study published in Child Development of around 6,000 children discovered that baby boys who have weak relationships with their mothers grow up to be more aggressive and destructive children. The damage to the boys can also be seen in the anxiety of little boys who are separated prematurely from their mothers, who fear intimacy and betrayal into their adult years. A healthy mother-child relationship ensures that the son is protected from a culture where boy’s sensitivities and emotions are seen as weaknesses. According to Dr. William Pollack, a psychology professor at Harvard University: “Contrary to stereotype, boys who can express a broader range of emotions will not become wimps, forever clinging to their mommies, but instead independent guys who will make strong, empathetic spouses and partners”.

Author Kate Lombardi also talks about how a close mother-son relationship is actually beneficial in her book ‘The Mama’s Boy Myth’. She claims “A healthy, loving relationship is one where the mom is emotionally supportive of her son. She recognizes his individuality, his sensitivity and his vulnerability along with his strengths… boys who aren’t close with their mothers are often more aggressive and disobedient. Plus, a close mom/son relationship will help boys succeed in relationships later on in life – by helping them understand women and discuss their feelings”.

Verdict?

So is it really a quagmire of dysfunctional dynamics or are we purposely convoluting an innocent mother-son relationship?  Vincenzi says a mother-son bond only becomes pathological when it impedes the son from growing up. This means that the son must strive for all sorts of independence, financial as well as the emotional and learn to self-recognize his male identity. All this can be achieved without severing the special mother-child bond and compromising on the benefits this sacred relationship entails.